Random thoughts percieved thru the fog of my life...|
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|Tuesday, March 30th, 2010|
It is getting to me. I feel it all falling down. I actually found myself having to retreat to music and block out the world. Got the head phones on right now.
Job - Can't seem to find one that doesn't involve me jumping into a truck and being gone 3 weeks at a time.
Relationship - Perfect except that I can't get my bankrupcy done due to cash...ironic, huh? How does that relate to my relationship, you might ask? Well, until it gets done, I can't marry the woman who makes my world complete. I refuse to do to her what I happily allowed to happen to me the first time I was married.
Son - God I miss him, but I can barely feed myself and keep enough gas in the car to get Fari into work. I have no idea how behind I am getting on Child Support and I am being fought on Unemployment. Even if I win, it'll be 6-8 weeks before I see a dime. Refer to the 'Job' entry as to why this bad.
Living - I have lost my awesome home and was luckier than I deserve to get into a much smaller place with 3 roommates and Fari. I lost my car. I lost my insurance and retirement savings. I have lost my health.
Cam - Exceptionally well. At least one thing is good. Current Mood: Done
|Monday, February 1st, 2010|
Hear that cracking noise?
Its my psyche.
On top of the diamond hard stressed of...everything...The 'R' key fell off of my key board. Fortunatly, the nip still works.
I hurt. I get muscle spasms when I think about work. I am broke. I laugh when I consider that Liberty Mutual approved my FMLA that will never cost them money on Short term disability, but denies any claim ON THE SAME MEDICAL CONDITION which does cost them money on Short term disability...which, of course, I pay for. My tax return didn't come in on the projected date, so rent will be late and I am not at all sure how we will have gas to get back and forth to work.
In short, I give up.
|Thursday, January 7th, 2010|
Okay. I sit here in bed with my less than ideal laptop next to my wonderful sleeping fiance'. I am more calm now. Perhaps an overall explanation of the previous post is in order, even if in oblique referance. That and some explanation of life. I honestly don't think that many people bother to read any of my posts, so if nothing else...it will help sort my own brain pan.
In June, I had to leave work on medical leave due to a severe complication to my gall bladder being removed a few years before. The stress of the hellish job I have flared a case of IBS which is pretty much the opposite of what most people expirience. I was in the bathroom a dozen times a day and for 10-20 minutes at a time. It was to the point that I had to drink several times more fluids daily just to stave off dehydration. I was out for almost 4 months on medical leave. My loving fiance' also got fired from the same job at the same time. I believe it was in retaliation for the many times I was dicsiplined at work and I got it overturned due to the fact that there was no evidence (a plolite was of saying a load of BS) In that time, I was suppose to recieve short term disability. For the 400 odd hours I was entitled to, I recieved 48. I liquidated my 401k, sold my car and pawned my soul to the devil (okay...that was next) to get bills paid. My love got better employment after 3 months but the end result was that we were far behind on everything. We still are, just only slightly less. I have been back to my job but the issue still remains, now I just know what it is. My job is still trying to get rid of me.
Today, I went into see my internist for a treatment for the additional ailment that has crept up because of all this. Lets just say it involved lube, an infrared laser and and uncomfortable place. I should be back to work on Friday, I hope.
We have to move to a smaller place because we can't catch up. We move on the 20th of this month. I'm not entirely certain we can pay rent, late for the 5th month in a row, on the 8th. We are moving in complex which actually helps tremendously, but...
Cam things are borderline intolerable right now. I seriously considered for about 2 minutes alternately quiting the Cam or transfering back to DE. Heh..I could run for Mage and not get elected. Problem is, I can't turn away until I have given something my all. I don't feel as if I have at this point. Not yet. I hate to say it also, but I simply lack trust in the intentions of some members too. I like some, dislike others but that doesn't particularly mean that that relates to trust in them. Yeah, I guess that was as shrouded as possible so as to not hurt feeling. It isn't anything that I haven't said to people face to face though. I actually believe in the position I hold as a high MC. I have an obligation to put others before myself. It is one of the reasons I am a VST. Lord knows I don't need to general and my MC is too high to benifit from the bump. I do it because I am good at it. I do it so others can experience something they can't somewhere else. Do I think I run the best game around? Hell yes I do! I have to think that as an ST. To think less is to stop trying so hard. If I want to claim that, I have to prove it every game! I sure do miss playing though. The worst thing about striving to run the best game is knowing you can't play in one as good.
I am 37 years old. I have a dead end, clock tower stress inducing job that is trying to get rid of me. My wedding was postponed because of...money! F*^KING MONEY! I love this woman next to me with so much passion that it makes my soul ache. I just need to find a way to make this better for both of us...mostly for her though. She deserves better. She deserves a man who doesn't hide his pain and is better at providing, not things or love, but stability. Things are just...well...things and love she has in quantities that I can't find words to express. I need better for her and somehow I will find it for her. With that will come the dominoe fall of everything else. Being a better father to my son, a marriage and perhaps a greater family.
Who knew that $4000 could make such a differance in life. Current Mood: blah
|Wednesday, January 6th, 2010|
I am having one of those...
WANT TO QUIT THE CAM
...kind of days.
I run a great game. So I am told at least. I run each game as if it were a convension game. I run until someone drops, the players or me. I have been a lead aVST at the last two S.E.R.Es and was invited to help run EVERY SINGLE VENUE at ICC. I love to run games. I love my venue with a passion bordering on the love for a child. I believe in this orginazation and want to give my all for it.
Wy do I let stupidity on the other side of the fence piss me off so much? Current Mood: angry
|Friday, September 25th, 2009|
Things are so bad that I can't really even talk about it.
Heh...I've quit smoking though. Whee.
Fari loves me so I am not in a padded room, at least.
|Friday, June 26th, 2009|
|General Cam stuff
So...yeah...I apllied for the RST position. Q&A period. Gotta say, I really enjoy the questions so far. They are smart and make a potential applicant think. Do I think I will win? No. I doubt even my own domain will vote for me unless the Q&A wow them. Still, being in the running is more then a little cool. I enjoy the stretching of my mental mass quite a bit, really.
|Thursday, June 18th, 2009|
|Monday, June 8th, 2009|
So, just a random outpouring of the general melange' of existance.
I am so truly and deeply in love with my future wife. It is something of a cliche' to say the things I want to say about her, but the simple fact is that she, for all her faults so smaller then mine, is far better than I ever deserved to find...again.
Work is...unfulfilling. I am capable of so much more then what I do and prove it daily. Still, there is a simple joy in helping people who genuinely appreciate it. Helping people to discover how to help themselves. I wonder if this is what life may have felt like if I had taken the government's offer and become a nurse or Doctor. Nah...probably would have ended up dead instead. It is just frustrating. My direct supervisor knows I am better at both my job AND his. Instead of a hand up kind of person though, he is a 'throw your ass under the bus' kind of person. Par for the course in that place with the possible exception of the center director. I mean, when is the last time that you could actually say that even HR is astoundingly incompetent? I asked about the 'stock purchase' plan since we are in open enrollment and got a look of confusion. I was told to find the number and call the finantial institution for information. They, of course, had no idea what that number was. I found it. Meh.
Camerilla is...frustrating. I am trying over and over again to do certain things within the various games of the locality and have been getting ever more frustrated. Even leaving aside the fact that I am feeling more and more often like I portray a background clutter pregenerated faceless npc for all the impact I have on anything, the out of game things are even more annoying. A month ago, Many of us spoke at a lovely pizza place about some changes that could help deepen some of our involvment. I waited 3 weeks with no word about anything really. So instead, I sent an email directly to people in the hopes of beginning a dialouge. That was on the 3rd. Oh look, it's been a week. Not so much as a 'sorry, we're really busy right now'. So I am beginning to get it. If we get ignored enough, maybe we'll go away. We are background clutter. Shame really, I really had hoped that this could work. That the new ideas we wanted to explore could somehow be used in the context of the entire domain. Instead of a small group trying to refine different methods of story, we could involve a lot of people. Find ways to draw someone in and make something great for them. Deepen the story for some people who have felt left behind or not as involved.
Instead...a month of nothing. A week of being ignored. I had hoped for something which could show greatness and show that this domain was still the premier of the region. I looked forward to telling an amazing story. To help others to find amazing stories. Heh...there were certainly been people who didn't enjoy my past plotlines, but I regularly drew in 30-40+ people BEFORE most of the 'family' was in town. I still have the sign -in sheets to prove it. I had the best game in Orlando and I wanted to give that to people somehow again. Little things here and there. Moments of exellance that made someone glad they joined the Cam over playing a troupe game. Instead...nothing. Maybe I should just know when I am not wanted, Move to fair escape and run the best mage game in the state again. Problem number one is that I live in Orlando. There SHOULDN'T be a reason why I would want to move. Secondly, I am the oldest member of the domain now. Even though I have been with the Cam longer then Anthony was, he was Orlando before me. But he isn't here any longer. It somehow feels wrong to leave and DAMN WRONG to be pushed off. So...I try to work up the nerve to keep going to games that are losing or have lost thier joy and try to forget that I can't afford the gas and tolls I spend.
More stuff later, but it is late and I am tired. Current Mood: annoyed
|Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009|
|Wednesday, May 13th, 2009|
I think I have very nearly hit my limit. This last year of slowly getting closer to my particular beliefs is a life saver right now.
I am the water. I will flow beyond this without resistance and take something of it with me to make me a greater whole.
To continue this spiritual analogy however...the trick will be not turning to steam and exploding.
This is not relationship related. Current Mood: crushed
|Tuesday, April 28th, 2009|
Going to the Dr. on thursday. Feel like I have been beat from head to toe.
Not a fan. Missing work and thus pay does not make me even remotely happy.
If not for laptop and EVE I think I would have gone bonkers by now. Current Mood: sick
|Sunday, April 26th, 2009|
|Some kind of sweet
So, I have been playing EVE for years now. Recently the latest patch introduced Tech 3 ships. "Well, just lovely..." I thought, as I am several hundred billion in dept.
I didn't forsee the side effect. Everyone is building Tech 3 ships. I, on the other hand, have the best mining ship in the game. Folks need mad amounts of raw ore. Thr most basic type of ore in the game is selling for roughly 2x the normal amount. Supply and demand and all that. It hasn't gone unnoticed though as damn near every astroid belt has been raped bare.
Enter a mission I did today...
Pretty standard Ratting....
Except for the 100 veldspar astroids in this deadspace pocket...
All of them the size of a mountain...
I finished the mission several hours ago and have taken roughly 15% of the astroids...over a million veldspar...not even refined yet...
Long and boring but very profitable at the moment.
|Monday, April 6th, 2009|
So, I work in tech support for an inbound call center. I deal with TV, internet and even telephone supoort.
Today, I nearly lost my mind, threw my headset across the room and blew a gasket.
Was it the mass of stupidity on the phone? No. I'm used to that and more then a few people are willing to work with me and I fix thier issue. Actually, with no false modesty, I am kind of amazing at my job.
Was it the ever mounting unbridled idiocy of my employer's 'great new idea' of the week. Not really. I have become somewhat innoculated against the promotion of sycophants and the shear uselessness of most of the self-serving supervisory staff.
Is it the stress of life? A bit, to be sure. A person can't live with what I do on a daily basis and not feel thier body and mind compress a bit. Thank those who matter for the love of my life. With out her I can't help but think I would have broken by now.
What was it then? Certainly a combination of all of the above, but what has become the magnifying glass? I can think of no catalyst recently that has blown my normal reserve of calm to tatters. Granted, one of my big stress reliefs has gone to apathy, but then shouldn't the same thing have happened when I quit smoking (failed, but to march onward indicates living)? It would seem that it is just as likely that the apathy is symptom rather them cause anyway.
I don't know, but the quantum increase of pressure is undesirable and flat out not healthy at my age (and inactivity...note to self, get athletic shoes and get to the gym...VERY SOON). I have decent life insurance, but not enough to set my son or the love of my life up for life.
I just don't know.
I better figure it out soon though. Current Mood: discontent
|Wednesday, January 7th, 2009|
|The return of the....Dodge.
After a year of it sitting dead in the garage, I have gotten the old red Dodge both working and running again. working because I got the starter replaced after much acheing of the back and running because the dead, substandard battery that the bastards at Tire Kingdom put in it is replaced with a battery rated for the car (1000 cold cranking amps vs. 630 cca). I have taken today off and now...Up to get it tagged.
Did I mention it already has my butt groove and has a great sound system?
JOY!!! Current Mood: accomplished
|Thursday, December 25th, 2008|
Merry happy honaquanzamas to all!!!
Now off to work where my personal hoiday of Christmas will be very merry because of the effective 2.5X pay today.
|Sunday, December 21st, 2008|
Just a quick post to up date my life.
yesterday was my Dearest's birthday and we spent it being lazy around the house and then when to D's birthday. That was not bad but I'm paying the price of the bowling today. I dislike being reminded of my age. Eh...life goes on. It was fun hanging out with friends.
Work continues to be annoying. Money continues to be tight. Pretty much the same as usual.
|Monday, November 17th, 2008|
|Well this turned out to be an unexpected day...
Someone wants to make a short film of one of my stories.
No, I don't mean a handy-cam fun film. I mean a couple of 1080I widescreen $27000 cameras and production studio.
Money? No, it is still a fan film in essence and the likely-hood of seeing anything is between nil and zero...but...wow.
Kind of a shock since it has only been about 24 hours since I wrote it.
I just spent the last several hours reading it aloud and chatting about permits, scripting in the next week and scheduling the next production meeting for Dec. 14th. There is certainly worse things to do after work.
Oh my. Current Mood: indescribable
|Wednesday, November 5th, 2008|
|Sunday, November 2nd, 2008|
Well today, I turn 36 years old. For the most part, it is like every other day, or birthday for that matter. At least one friend remembered. My love did what she could to make the day nice. Got a call from a couple family members.
In other words, I really had nothing to do. I could afford nothing to do. I got a nice gift or two. D got me a couple of half sheet bake pans. Yeah, I actually wanted that. Cooking stuff for the win. No, really. I had been pricing them for a few weeks now. It was timing par exallence. I have used them already. My love got me a wicked awesome shirt from 'LFG'..FOR PONY!!!! a while ago and I wore it today. My 'Richard' Plushie should be in in a couple of weeks.
It is just kind of blah though. We couldn't really go out and celabrate or anything. Issues crept up and in the end, we just flat can't afford it whatsoever. It just seems that no matter how hard I work, there is nothing left. Nothing for special occations. Nothing for celebration. Even if it was only me and she. I...
Maybe I just feel old.
I am tired of meager. I am sick of declining fun so that I can do my part to support my family. I bust my ass to do everything well and really it ends up being nothing. She deserves better and I need to find a way to supply that. For myself as well. It is as if the joy of my life has slowly been sucked out to be replaced with day in and day out mediocrity. That is what I feel today, on the thirty sixth anniversary of my birth. I am not a fan. Current Mood: blah
|Friday, October 10th, 2008|
|What would I do with a million dollars...
I freely admit I stole this from Pen-dragon.
Now to be realistic, I have to do a bit of considering. I decided to high ball everything for a worst cost scenerio.
Pay off all back depts...................................
......78,000 (before buy out possiblilities...yep divorce will ruin your day)
New car (high MPG or hybrid)...........................30,000
New car for my fiance'(same as above).........30,000
Buy a home(to my specs)..................................4
The computer of my dreams.............................24,00
School (me plus outstanding loans)...............25,000
This covers all the base things........................----------
That leaves me 293,000 for incidentals. That would certainly furnish the house and give one hell of a buffer for bills. The strange thing is I would certainly still work. If I didn't I would be a lazy video gamer who quickly balloned into a blob. There is no doubt that I would swiftly rack up some savings credential just simply due to the lack of outgoing bills (rent/morgage, car payments and back dept)
Note to self...go buy a LOTTO ticket... Current Mood: contemplative